Self-soothing #1: The '3 MY's'

Jerome sits there in front of me, talking speedily, but staring blankly. He’s not outwardly melting down, but silently I think he is. I’m groping in the air. He goes on, and I’m trying to engage, but the minutes fly. I’m supposed to do more, and I think we’re supposed to connect more deeply, but I’m not and we’re not.

I can’t help. I’m unmoored, and headed downstream. I’m paid to help, to say something that slices into the pain and confusion and sheds light on something that’s there but with which we don’t yet have contact. This isn’t easy, and I don’t expect it to be. How could it be easy? If it was, everyone would do it. I swear I’m not deficient. Well, if I am, I might as well embrace it. That’s what I’d encourage my patients to feel; if I’m deficient, if you’re deficient, so be it! Like some bizarre self-effacing but self-righteous party chant. Let’s look it in the eyes and see what comes of it. Wait. Back to reality. Why am I groping, flailing, and without verbal footholds?

It dawns on me: Not the answer, per se, but what we’re missing. Jerome’s without it, and I’m in the moment needing it. In fact, my needing it is what tells me, as Jerome’s therapist, that it’s what he needs and is probably lacking when he’s out in the world: Self-soothing. 

Self-soothing: The ability to calm oneself from within, to right the ship and clear one’s head enough to see a wider picture, is lacking. Jerome doesn’t have it. I’ve got it, but it falters. Lord knows, I’ve tried endlessly to build it up in myself, with some success but with endless flame-outs and near-starts in the process. What tells the tale here? What failed Jerome, his nature or his nurture? Nature can make the building of this skill more or less challenging, but I point my finger at nurture. I know Jerome, and he didn’t get the help he needed to build this internal skill. One needs to be able to calm oneself from within, not with external things or words or good luck. Those will fail, we know that, so we need to be able to steady ourselves from inside. 

You need to be able to speak to yourself, kindly, and in a way that helps us gain perspective. ‘I’m okay” goes a long, long way. 

But check this out: “I’ve dealt with this before, or something just like it, and I’ll deal with this, too. But, I don’t need to solve it right now or change how I feel about it right now. I have time. There’s no rush. I’m okay.” This is even better. These statements hits the ‘3 My’s’ of effective self-soothing:

1. MY PAST - I’ve been through this or something similar; I’ll survive this, too

2. MY NOW - No need to change my current feeling. Hang with it

3. MY TIME - There’s no rush to change this. It’ll work out, and it can take time

These 3 components help us widen the lens and feel safer and less rushed, thus less anxious. Give it a try. 

More to come on this topic…