Does your therapist talk about themselves?

Have you ever thought about this, or discussed it in your therapy?

Therapy sessions are usually around 50 minutes in length, and usually take place once per week. If you meet with your therapist for 6 months or more, that's a lot of sessions, and that's a lot of time together. Therapists say all sorts of things during those minutes with you. They make mistakes, including grammatical errors, they misquote, misunderstand, and misspeak. They use the wrong name, and forget key information. Especially if taken out of context, a lot of what your therapist (and myself) say would sound preposterous, foolish, or cliche. While we should keep all of this in mind, and those of us in the therapy chair should constantly humble ourselves so to not get a big head about our influence on others, it's nevertheless important to consider how much and in which ways your therapist discloses information about themselves or reacts to you in ways that you don't find helpful (which can be understood as a version of self-disclosure).

Psychoanalytic theorists have long toyed with the notion that therapists speak when they're uncomfortable. On balance, the things they say may be helpful, but they chime in when they (unconsciously) want to derail what the patient is saying. They may be uncomfortable with the material, or they may think they can solve the issue and they're urgent to show you their worth. This outlook may be harsh, and I'm not certain I buy into it. But, it's an entertaining notion.

Picture a therapist suddenly becoming active with questions and possible solutions for a patient discussing an embarrassing sexual conundrum; the shrink is as or more uncomfortable than is the patient, and they want the conversation over with.

Picture also the therapist who is bored of the patient's 'same old' stories and issues, or is flummoxed as to how they can help the patient. Instead of sharing these therapeutically useful reflections, they switch to the thing they know best: themselves. It's an easy switch to make, and it's tempting. The therapist gets a bit of narcissistic gratification, or a chance to vent or burn some time in the session, while appearing to help. They share, stealthily or otherwise, what they think of the issues through the prism of what's going on in their life. They liken your issues to theirs, or those of their children or their friends. They resort to talking about what they watch on tv, their own therapy, and their other patients. Does this ring a bell? This is inevitable, because all involved parties are flawed humans interacting for hundreds and thousands of minutes per month. And while these aren't always a problem, if you sense that this happens too much or too often in your treatment, then it probably does. In my view, you should learn about the therapist as you wish, and at your pace. You could have a healthy, beneficial therapy in which you learn a considerable amount about your therapist, their life, their family, and their worldview. This may promote and be the product of forging a deep bond with your shrink. But, this should unfold organically as you get to know them, ask them questions, observe them, and otherwise bond in the sole service of getting the most out of your time and money spent on therapy.

When it comes to therapist disclosures, in your gut, you know best. Feel free to challenge your therapist, ask them why they switched the topic or brought themselves or their life or their other patients back into the conversation. Therapists aren't perfect (I'm sure not), but they should be very good at sitting, paying attention, listening, being active without derailing your story or your feelings, and tolerating whatever you're laying bare. They shouldn't be checking their phone, excessively fiddling with heaters and air filters, eating, or otherwise caring for themselves. In rare situations, this may be necessary, and a patient may find solace in the therapist's ability and boldness in caring for themselves in front of the patient, but this should not be common. If it is, it may be borne of the therapist's discomfort, poor affect tolerance, and general inattentiveness.

You have options; if you experience what I've described here, you may wish to exercise those options in nudging your therapist to explore with you their reactions to you, or to find someone who better fits your needs.