Is this dishonest?

You don't say what you think. When we don't say what we really think, and we opt for something less complete, we're being dishonest. If I'm asked to go to a party (that I don't want to go to), and I say: 'Well, uh, I'll just have to see what I'm up to that night. I might be able to make it, but let's see.' This isn't honest. It's not complete, either. It's a soft, cheap way out. Actually, some people even skip that, and end up going to the party they'd rather not be at. This is really dishonest. It means you took all that time and energy to go to something, see people, chit chat, drink, and whatever else, all to avoid the risk that someone will be mad at you if you say no. Resentments build, and bit by bit, interaction after interaction, job after job, and relationship after relationship, you're left living a non-fulfilling life.

You had what you wanted in mind, and you drifted from it. Before long, it disappeared beyond the horizon, and you lost it.

More honest, complete options:

• 'I appreciate the invite, but I won't be able to make it that night. I have some other things I'd like to take care of.'

• 'Thank you for the offer, but I'm not interested this time. Feel free to let me know next time you have a get-together.'

• 'Thanks, Mary, but I won't be able to make it. I don't feel like partying this weekend.'

• 'That's really nice of you to include me, but last time everyone there drank a lot, and that's not my scene right now, so I'll pass.'

If just by reading these you get anxious, then they're perfect for you! People can tolerate and understand much more than we give them credit for. Give a complete response and one that reflects, respectfully, what you had in your mind. I'm encouraging you to not live life hidden and afraid of others' reactions, but in a way that honors who you are, what you want and need, and the kind of life you want to live.